I came to realize alot of things in my current exile state. There's been countless hours where i've literally sat in my bed thinking and meditating all my decisions, all my actions, everything. Not just the terrible things either. Literally everything that I could think of I dissected it and tried to figure out who I am, who I wanted to be and how I could be someone that I wholeheartedly love. My personality holds me back from doing things that I wish I were apart of and most of those things include friendships. I tend to reject or criticize people I hardly know because in my head I think "They're gay because they like that band" or "They dress like a douchebag." These are things I think about everyday.. even with some of my closest friends. How can I do that? Why do I do that?
Really, it boils down to the realization of my ignorance to love. If these are the thoughts that come to my head while Im currently holding the hand of my girlfriend then there's clearly something wrong with me. I mean nobody's perfect, but also nobody should be searching for the flaws in someone just to draw yourself away from them. When I dated Allyson I had so much fun, I love learning about new people and I love the feeling of being thought of every day. Talking to her every night, all those skype calls and text messages, they were seriously the greatest. That's something I know I will always love, the idea of being loved. I love the attention. The thought of someone even thinking about me makes me happy. It could be the worst person on this planet and if I knew I came across their mind in a positive way I would come to ease.
The problem Im having is being able to project that love towards other people. My main flaw is being fixated on flaws. Im pretty sure i've never been in love because my mind races with thoughts that include but not limited to "I bought you ice cream and you couldn't even thank me?" or "I showed you that band, give me credit damnit!" It's selfish. It's also a douche bag thing of me to do. I look at someone else and I speculate what they're about, and I judge. Oh boy do I judge. Everyone. I hate that I do this. I hate that when I realize Im doing it that I continue to do it. I hate that when I tell myself it's wrong and not to do it, I still do it. To me, it's my most unattractive quality.
Why can't I just love people for who they are? Why can't I just let it go? When I see someone I hate like something I like.. I go mad. I have a mini heart attack. It's ridiculous! When I step back and see how worked up I really am about it, I freak out. I freak out about freaking out. I don't want to be that hipster loser who thinks mainstream music and hollywood blockbusters are below me. I don't want to be that person who finds different things to be into just because no one else is into it. I don't want to wear certain clothes just to stand out. I want to be me. I want to like the movie Transformers and enjoy the song "We Are Young" by that faggy band fun. The problem with that though is that I care to much what people think about me. I feel shame.
Being alone has been tremendously good for me. I took everything for granted and I pushed the most important substance in my life aside. I wouldn't have realized this if I hadn't been disconnected. If I hadn't then I would be doing the same thing as always, not giving a crap. There's so many worries I carry on my shoulders that really don't mean squat and yet they drag me down day to day. The last thing I want to do is feel sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry. If anything Im proud of where I currently am right now (and I don't mean of what i've done in the past) I mean of what i'm currently doing. I could be sexing it up with my ex's from the past or getting drunk / high everyday until I wash it all away. I could be going to strip clubs or gambling or something.. bad. Wait.. I guess I could be doing those things, huh? Welp! See you later!
Jk
Those things are considered a crutch. I don't need a crutch. Im not limping from anything right now (except the fact that I eat way too much fast food) so I don't need the alternative. I don't want the alternative. What I really want is to come back, to not be a douche bag, to not care what other people think, to not judge people, and to love. I want to love everyone like no ones business. I miss you Sam if you're reading this. And I miss you too Paige if you're reading this as well. I love you guys like crazy, and i'm proud you two haven't made it to the state i'm in right now. To end this post I would like to quote one of the greatest.
"One love, one heart. Let's get together and feel all right." - Bob Marley
(Don't judge me ya jerk)
